Sunday, July 26, 2009

Ironcat!

Mrrrrr Friends,

Every year for the past 10 years or so our neighboring community of Lake Placid has hosted an Ironman race. This is pretty impressive stuff. Some seriously fit humans first swim 2.4 miles. Then they bike for 112 miles. Then, as if that weren’t enough, they run 26.2 miles.

This is a big deal event in these parts. The Adirondack Park is a bit of a Mecca for buff humans. In part that’s because of Lake Placid, site of the 1968 and 1932 Olympics, but the Park in general seems to be a place where very serious climbers, bicyclers, ironmen, hikers and other sporty types converge. Alex and I can choose to spend a good portion of each day watching helmeted, spandex-encased bicyclists whiz or wheez up our little hill on Springfield Road and wondering what color combination we’ll see next.

The Ironman race shuts down all the primary roads into and out of Upper Jay. One can get out in a car but you have to come back the long way. I think we’re all gonna stay put and watch the bike race perforce.

Now, I know your thinking, “Ironcat!” And, yes, it has crossed my mind. Obviously, I was not going to be ready in time for the 2009 race, but let’s think ahead to 2010.

I’d do well enough I think in the swimming and running portion. Of course, there’s the issue of my needing to groom myself after a swim…that would take a bit of extra time that my human competitors would not, I think, credit me. Nevertheless, no self respecting cat would get out of the water and not groom for at least 20 minutes before moving on. I guess one tradeoff is that the human competitors get on their bikes with wet shorts on? Doesn’t that sound just a bit compromising?

Bicycling is the second and, of course, slightly problematic, leg for me. The Ironman organizers (Ironman is actually a series of races that culminate in a world championship in Hawaii this year) do identify a “physically challenged division.” I’m not too thrilled about my lack of opposable thumbs being labeled in this manner, however, I’m not looking for a lawsuit. So I’m thinking a handcycle just might become a pawcycle. I shot off some schematics to my Long Island pawcycle engineer Richard H. to see if he can begin to develop some prototypes that meet USAT specs.

If they’d insert a 112-foot freestanding, branchless tree climb instead of bicycling, I’d be much happier, but I’m working with what I’ve got.

Then there’s the run. This isn’t an area of great concern for me. I’ve got four legs! I can maintain a fast-pace trot for quite some time. Inclines don’t really affect me that much. I was thinking, though, given the hard surfaces, of getting an athletic shoe sponsor and having them work up some nice paw booties. Think of the demand – 60 million 4-pawed domestic cats in the US alone.

We hadn’t quite worked out how they would body mark me for the swim leg and the fact that they demand a swim cap and a bike helmet with a chinstrap. And I just figured they’d forgive me the nudity thing, since I’m furry. And I’m looking forward to après race – the wonderful folks at Ironman offer free massage to all the participants…imagine the lucky masseuse that would get to rub me down!

So things were moving forward. I was preparing my USAT application and getting quite excited.

But then I hit a wall.

It turns out one of the rules of Ironman is that you can only get food from the official food stations during the 112-mile bike run. Here’s what they provide: “water, Gatorade, powerbars, powergel and fruit.” No kibble! And I’m not sure they provide bowls of water either. I was stunned.

This is just too much.

Ironcat will have to wait for a more enlightened age.